Good morning everyone,

How are you doing, did you have a nice Christmas? I hope so. Now that we are safely settled in the bit of the season where we play mêlée games with the people we love the most, please enjoy the Official Fem Fri Guide to the female playable characters in Super Smash Brothers Ultimate! This is the approximately once a year that I do video games #content and I hope you enjoy it.

Anyway, on with the rankings, which I have split into categories because wow this game has a lot of characters.

Just Playing

19. Jigglypuff

I know that technically a Jigglypuff could be male as well as female, but as Jigglypuffs are 80% female I'm playing the numbers here. Chances are excellent that the Jigglypuff you have on your SSBU install is female and so is mine. Anyway, it's a moot point really, she's a not very effective character as her only move seems to be to make her opponents a bit sleepy.

18. Inkling

Look, this is going to sound a bit prissy, but I just don't like mess very much. Inkling's deal, basically, is making a mess. Other than making her opponents sad that they need to wipe down all of the surfaces when she leaves, it's unclear what sort of damage Inkling actually deals. Certainly not the sort of damage that knocks them flying off the screen, which is the entire point of the game.

17. Lucina

Lucina looks cool, but doesn't have a signature move that is irritating or silly enough to truly engage with. If Lucina has hidden depths that you know about, please tell me. I am open to knowing this character better.

16. Ice Climbers

ICE CLIMBERS!!! The Ice Climbers, a husband and wife team, have the happy to be here vibes that I love in a computer game character. Also the announcer is always very pleased when you choose them. They are, however, extremely difficult to control, and when the husband Ice Climber (Popo) has fallen over the edge, he drags the the wife Ice Climber (Nana) right down with him even if she isn't even close. I had a good run with them when I tested them for this newsletter though! They are fun but inconsistent. Look at their happy little faces:

Tough Ladies

15. Zero Suit Samus

No one is more beleaguered by the gig economy than Samus, and when you play as Zero Suit Samus you are uprooting her from a nice weekend at her mum's, drinking sugary tea and catching up on invoices, to get her to deal with your emergency. And what is your "emergency"? It turns out to be "punching Kirby in the face", which Samus, without any of her equipment (why would she keep a suit at her mum's place) is not necessarily ready for. She is still, honestly, very good, but there are many political as well as practical reasons not to play as Zero Suit Samus.

14. Dark Samus

See that's the good stuff. It's Samus, in slightly more muted clothes than usual, but still fantastic at doing all those Samus things; running, jumping, shooting a guided missile at your opponent. I don't particularly engage with Dark Samus, preferring a brighter colour palette, but you won't go far wrong if you choose her as your fighter.

13. Piranha Plant

Right, yes, as you can see the Piranha Plant is a big angry plant. As a Venus Flytrap she is also a female plant which has earned her inclusion here. She's surprisingly good at jumping and for her smash move, turns into a REALLY big angry baby plant that stabs her opponents from on high. She is one of the characters you pay for, and I'm not going to say it is the best £5.99 you will ever spend, but over the long term she will yield much more fun than, for example, a £5.99 pint of expensive beer.

12. Isabelle

Isabelle is charming. I would visit her café and buy many little cakes there. I would also rely on Isabelle in a combat situation as she has a wee fishing rod that looks innocent but which you can use to wang opponents around and cause quite a lot of damage even to big bads such as Bowser. All while telling you that it's fairtrade coffee that you're drinking, yeah I've even visited the place where they grow it? such a cool experience.

11. Mii Gunner

Look at those empty eyes. This is not a woman who has thought of anything other than being great at shooting for some time. Practice makes perfect, clearly, because I had a terrific fight as the Mii Gunner.

YOU ARE MY PRINCESS

10. Zelda

I have just learned that Zelda, the princess in the Legend of Zelda games, is so named because of Zelda Fitzgerald! I like her even more now. In common with most of the princesses in mêlée games, she is beautiful, elegant and highly effective. Looks dreamy rather than triumphal when she wins, which I respect.

9. Daisy

If there's one thing worse than losing at Smash Brothers, it's losing at Smash Brothers while an unconcerned princess festoons you with flowers. Great work, Daisy.

8. Sheik

Sheik is Princess Zelda in drag, but that doesn't mean she's an echo character! She has her own thing going on, specifically white hair, red eyes and a general air of mystery and cool. I read volume one of the Arabian Nights this year, there is tons of cross dressing there as well. Something to think about and enjoy when you win a game as Sheik.

7. Peach

At least three quarters of this game is psychological, and Peach is a solid winner on that basis. She has a little fight helper in the form of Toad (I love Toad) and when she does her power move the whole game is framed by overdone pink hearts and Peach herself holding an umbrella and looking coy. Then you go in for the finishing smash. Just really great stuff.

Actual Goddesses

6. Palutena

Palutena's entrance is through a door behind which there is, basically, heaven. She is a goddess of light, has beautiful green hair and can hurl pretty much any opponent right the way off the screen and into a KO.

5. Rosalina & Luma

Rosalina is, as I have noted before, an actual goddess with a little fight helper star called Luma. Rosalina does most of the work though, and it's good work. I'm going to be honest with you – I don't really remember what exactly was great about Rosalina, but I did win and I remember it being an extremely decisive victory. Here's some footage:

Feminist Heroes

4. Wii Fit Trainer

Look, I'm as surprised as you are to see the Wii Fit Trainer placing so high. She's just so good at jumping though! Other than the psychological element of freaking your opponent right out, jumping is the most important part of this game, the aim of which is not to be pushed over the edge of wherever you are playing. Also it is quite irritating for your opponent when they play as a jacked dude from Final Fantasy (with a magic sword or whatever) and then find themselves defeated by a personal trainer who is really great at standing on one leg. That, also, is what this game is all about.

3. Samus

Samus is exactly the same as Dark Samus, but in better clothes. Red and gold is such a good colour palette and, in combination with a fighter who won't let you down, an absolute winner. What makes her particularly great is that you don't need to be very good at aiming to shoot your opponent – your missiles follow the fighter you are after so you are in with a chance even if they jump. It's exactly the sort of ruthless efficiency you'd expect from a bounty hunter like Samus.

2. Bayonetta

Imagine a character whose signature move is becoming a big fist. Now imagine that this character looks like a more buff Tina Fey. You just imagined Bayonetta, and as well as all this she can slow down time! It's so much fun to slow down time in Super Smash Brothers because you can just keep thumping and thumping your opponent and there is nothing they can do about it. Hahahaha. Bayonetta is great.

1. Mewtwo

Mewtwo is not female but ungendered, which we celebrate here at Fem Friday. Mewtwo is also, literally, a killing machine. Firstly they are huge, unlike several of the other Pokémon options, and secondly they are psychic type. If you want to mess with the mind of your opponent why would you choose anyone other than the gigantic smooth angry genetically modified cat?

Happy ACANYNY*, cool friends,

A xx.

*After Christmas And Not Yet New Year