Good morning,

This is usually the time of year when I totally phone in the newsletter, but today I thought it would be good to share some of the intensive research I've been engaged in lately and give you a definitive rating of all the female characters in Mario Kart 8. Rankings run from worst to first, please enjoy.

13. Pink Gold Peach

Also known as Millennial Peach. The aesthetics are all here with this one! Pink Gold Peach looks great, but unfortunately playing as this incredibly heavy character captures all the thrills and spills of dragging an iron girder up a hill. You might think that this has its compensations such as improved grip and/or handling. NOPE.

12. Villager

I had a pretty good race as Villager, but can't get over the fact that she is called "Villager". Lady, have some self esteem! There's more to you than being a villager, you exude flowers when you come first in a race! You could be Happy Flower Villager, and even this is setting the bar very low.

11. Baby Peach

The Mario Kart racetrack is no place for a baby. You are up against baddies like Bowser who show no mercy.

Really very similar to Baby Peach but at least looks aware that she's out of her depth in this photo that I took.

9. Isabelle

What's charming about Isabelle, the little dog from Animal Crossing, is how much she chats to herself as she drives, sometimes singing a little song and sometimes showing you a heart when you do a particularly nice jump. I like her personally but I did not do very well at driving as her.

8. Inkling Girl

After I took this photo I found out that you can change not only the hair but also the skin colour of Inkling Girl, and that when she jumps she sometimes turns into a cool squid. Both of these things are good. The massive headphones make her very much the hipster choice.

7. Wendy

You thought your phone was on silent, but your phone was not on silent, and Wendy gave you a look of such withering pity and disdain that you can never go back to the library again. Wendy takes no guff and looks great on a wee bike.

6. Baby Rosalina

My opinions on babies on the Mario Kart racetrack are noted above, but because Rosalina is a star goddess (and presumably was as a baby as well) she is better able to handle the pressure. I've had some amazing races as Baby Rosalina and like her little fringe.

5. Daisy

I know what Peach's deal is – she gets kidnapped by baddie Bowser and Mario takes it upon himself to rescue her – but Daisy's role has always been less clear. She's Luigi's girlfriend, but what is she doing while Luigi is helping Mario to rescue Peach – just sitting in a café reading the London Review of Books while she waits for the rest of them? Highly relatable, and a good character to play.

4. Peach

I have a friend who once insisted that Peach was the best character in Mario Kart, and, impervious to the stats and data in front of her indicating this was not the case said only, "in which case I definitely play as her because she is the most annoying". A great troll from start to finish and an ironclad argument for playing as Princess Peach.

3. Toadette

I love this entire line of mid-weight characters and the happy-to-be-here vibes of Toadette make her very charming. Just look at that wee smile! You can't really see it in this photo but she also has toadstool bunches. Utterly delightful.

2. Rosalina

One thing that I found out in the course of these investigations is that whilst the mid-weight characters might be my favourites they are not necessarily the fastest. If it's speed and handling you are looking for, you might be after the stylish star goddess Rosalina. Cool earrings, great posture, she is the complete package. If you want to win a game, choose Rosalina.

1. Cat Peach

There is only one thing more joyful/annoying than a princess who dresses entirely in pink, and that's a princess who dresses entirely in pink and who is also dressed up as a cat. Cat Peach is a brilliant character. She is fast, she handles well, and she wiggles her bum at opponents as a taunt. She feels like the ultimate expression of the cheerful "do your own thing" Peach that the creators of the Mario universe intended, and she doesn't even care about their approval. She's Cat Peach! If you want to annoy your opponents, choose Cat Peach.

Happy ACANYNY*, everyone.

A xx.

*After Christmas And Not Yet New Year